Profile Picture - Edit 2
#2
(05-07-2023, 04:15 AM)Wjames Wrote:  The winter sun
reflects white off of snow,      I feel like it breaks the rhythm a bit.
burning the skin
on your dripping nose
without warmth,         I also think this line could go.  I think its a 'mood' line but it feels out of place to me.
assaulting your eyes
in concert with the winds
howl, sparkling the icicles
coating bare tree branches
into Christmas lights
that could impale at any moment.      perhaps 'threatening to...'  I would also consider adding a break after 'impale' of even maybe cutting 'at any moment'. maybe?

The lighting is perfect
for a photo shoot,
and everybody smiles                This last stanza is perfect to me.  Nice subtle ending that still packs a punch.
trying to present the image
of a beautiful day.
Hi Wjames,
I like this very much.  When I first read it, it felt like you took awhile to get to it but after a couple reads not so much.  Only some very minor suggestions.
Take care,
bryn
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Messages In This Thread
Profile Picture - Edit 2 - by Wjames - 05-07-2023, 04:15 AM
RE: Profile Picture - by brynmawr1 - 05-08-2023, 08:04 AM
RE: Profile Picture - Edit 1 - by Wjames - 05-18-2023, 09:10 AM
RE: Profile Picture - Edit 1 - by Mark A Becker - 08-05-2023, 06:11 AM
RE: Profile Picture - Edit 1 - by rowens - 08-12-2023, 06:47 AM
RE: Profile Picture - Edit 1 - by Wjames - 08-15-2023, 08:55 AM
RE: Profile Picture - Edit 2 - by Wjames - 09-14-2023, 08:51 AM



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