Wristwatch (edit3)

[dukealien]

edit;

Day Watch


Forgot my wristwatch briefly–

left it lying on the dresser
darkly curled face-down
silent spider waiting
for its chance to tangle me
in its scheduled and appointed
web of sticky time.

Noticed missing weight in minutes
looped it back in place
(or it caught me again).

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Thanks!

All good observations/suggestions, most of which I've tried to apply.  "[A]ppointed" for "appointments" may be a grammatic twitch too far.

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Hi duke,
like the conceit, but maybe it's a bit too short for it's own good? (And 'snagged' is a little lightweight. 'The Watch' ?)

Given what you do in S2, it feels like quite a jump from 'morning' to 'left lying'. Would the 'why' (of you forgetting) add something?

Don't think you need patiently (pretty strongly implied by 'spider' and 'ensnare')
Really like 'sticky time' but could it come after 'schedules and appointment' (and so define them?)

There's something about 'vice versa' that doesn't quite convince,  but the idea that time has caught you again is very nice.

Best, Knot

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