Passing Through With You
#5
Hi, Mark. This is definitely the best version so far -- the meter is steady. Personally, I prefer tetrameter or pentameter for more contemplative moods or serious topics. Trimeter adds a little levity and lends itself to comedy. However, there aren't any rules, just customs. 

(01-19-2023, 06:52 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Passing Through With You

Some flowers don't smell pretty,
but bees don't seem to mind. -- Nice observation. Sets the bees up as a role model, of sorts: unfussy, adaptable. 

Some days weren’t pretty either-
let's leave those all behind. -- Extrapolating from the bee observation, wouldn't it benefit the speaker more to become like the bees rather than search around for fields where there are only sweet smelling flowers? 

The road ahead, uncertain, -- Uncertain is better than cloudy, but a bit generic since the future is never sure for any of us. It goes without saying, and it's kind of "telly." I think you can do better. 
so what else can we find? -- "Can" leads me to believe that the speaker is done with flowers and wants to find other things. Maybe some wildlife or fungi. There's a sense of agency. If you changed "can" to "will," that would lend more of a "Que Sera Sera" feeling. Depends on what you're going for. Either works. 

Inevitably, flowers-  -- I like this idea of coming full circle (perhaps the impossibility of forever avoiding nature's stink), but "flowers" has been used already in the beginning. An idea I have is "lilies" -- they're associated with funerals and also resurrection, if you're into that kind of thing. But, there's a plethora of flowers that have been associated with death and rebirth. 
will they be yours, or mine? -- Good ending, pun intended. 
Overall, I'd say this poem is on the right path.  Thumbsup

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Messages In This Thread
Passing Through With You - by Mark A Becker - 01-19-2023, 06:52 AM
RE: For the Bees - by TranquillityBase - 01-19-2023, 10:02 AM
RE: For the Bees - by Mark A Becker - 01-19-2023, 09:11 PM
RE: For the Bees - by RiverNotch - 01-19-2023, 08:05 PM
RE: Passing Through With You - by O. M. Geezersnaps - 08-03-2023, 06:32 AM
RE: Passing Through With You - by Mark A Becker - 08-03-2023, 08:43 AM
RE: Passing Through With You - by alonso ramoran - 08-23-2023, 05:15 AM
RE: Passing Through With You - by Mark A Becker - 08-23-2023, 05:42 AM
RE: Passing Through With You - by bob@mancity.net - 10-10-2023, 09:21 PM



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