09-13-2023, 12:52 PM
I'm thinking that you might need to change the structure of the words around it a little bit. I like the way that earthen sounds with alien, but if you say any of the earth-ish words next to "both"...let's just say it would be hard to read this piece at open mic night. Just say "both earthed" five times in a row.
An idea would be to take the Milky Way map idea and change "intent" to something more nautical (going with the whole solar boat image). Along the Nile, the earth is silt from the annual floods. So, for instance, you could say:
The Milky Way his map,
navigating silt and star
I does occur to me that there's no verb in the second stanza, so the replacement for "simple" may hinge on what action you choose.
An idea would be to take the Milky Way map idea and change "intent" to something more nautical (going with the whole solar boat image). Along the Nile, the earth is silt from the annual floods. So, for instance, you could say:
The Milky Way his map,
navigating silt and star
I does occur to me that there's no verb in the second stanza, so the replacement for "simple" may hinge on what action you choose.