Khepri
#7
(09-14-2023, 03:17 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  because scarabs lay their eggs inside the balls of dung, and the eggs are too small to be seen when they are laid, it appears as if the baby scarabs are emerging from the dung as if they are creating themselves.

This is more or less what I was trying to explore in the line in question. "Simple" referring to a bit of dinner, "alien" referring to the unusual birthing. It's a lot to cram into one line, but I'm going to keep trying. If the damn beetle can multitask, then so can I. 
In this case, I think you can do "his intent is earth(y-en-ed) and alien" -- I like the sounds. You could also do "yet" instead of "and." Although the being verb isn't particularly noteworthy, it would allow you to use the other words that you wanted and also complete the sentence structure. I just think that "both" is not helping you out from an acoustic perspective, and it's not strictly necessary for readers to have that specific word to understand that it's a contrast you're introducing.  

I woke up the other day imagining giant beetles rolling the milky way stars in their spiral orbits. One beetle to each star. My brain is obviously taking creative liberties, but the scarab isn't a creator god for nothing. There's a reason the myth has survived. 

Also, my kids really like this poem. It has a broader appeal beyond a niche poetry forum. This would be a fun character for a children's book if you were ever so inclined. There's a market for accessible educational materials. 

Anyway, I'll stop pestering you (for now).
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Messages In This Thread
Khepri - by Tiger the Lion - 09-12-2023, 05:00 AM
RE: Khepri - by TranquillityBase - 09-12-2023, 07:07 AM
RE: Khepri - by Lizzie - 09-12-2023, 12:27 PM
RE: Khepri - by Tiger the Lion - 09-13-2023, 03:08 AM
RE: Khepri - by Lizzie - 09-13-2023, 12:52 PM
RE: Khepri - by Tiger the Lion - 09-14-2023, 03:17 AM
RE: Khepri - by Lizzie - 09-30-2023, 02:39 PM
RE: Khepri - by carl griffin - 10-05-2023, 09:52 PM
RE: Khepri - by rayheinrich - 10-06-2023, 12:11 AM
RE: Khepri - by Lizzie - 10-06-2023, 01:02 AM
RE: Khepri - by bob@mancity.net - 10-11-2023, 10:43 PM
RE: Khepri - by DonMar - 10-12-2023, 12:14 PM
RE: Khepri - by Wjames - 10-19-2023, 02:40 PM
RE: Khepri - by Erthona - 10-26-2023, 11:17 PM
RE: Khepri - by Pike - 11-20-2023, 06:17 AM
RE: Khepri - by Tiger the Lion - 11-21-2023, 12:49 PM



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