Khepri

[carl griffin]

 
Khepri

Look at the dung beetle;

pushing his little ball of shit
in a perfect straight line
whatever obstacle or incline
might tempt him to veer.       
 
The Milky Way his map,          (I know it’s deliberate but the imperfect sentence structure jars   here. Can you end the earlier quatrain in a comma or semi-colon? An alternative, which I think I would prefer, is the addition of another action, albeit more subtle perhaps than pushing the ball. Someone suggested navigating… If you don’t want to go down that route, you could strengthen the poem first and see if it holds.)
his intent both simple and alien--
his godlike will
once worshipped.       (Could you not have more fun with this line? It needs to reach the quality of the first half of the poem.)

Are you not more valuable than he?    (I would end at valuable. The line is still a rip-off even with the extra two words so I would just make the line as strong as possible. I also like the idea of “Are you not more valuable than any dung beetle?” but I ramble in my poems.)  
 
This is a good subject for a poem. It’s interesting and fun, and the first half more than shows you have the quality to pull off a short.