12-06-2023, 08:56 AM
Hello,
I really like this one. Lines like "You scurry in the kitchen and lather eggs onto a plate, yellow and unctuous. Yesterday’s dinner sits cold on the counter." And "Words gather like foam over tepid coffee." And etc. are very amusing and interesting. However, it's a bit too staccato. The individual lines seem to work, but there's no real melody (despite there being a theme).
Also, a lot of the word choices sound a little artificial (especially the amount of prepositions). Did you use any experimental methods, such as cut-up or AI Interpretive Selection? They tend to favor the preposition.
I would think about rearranging it a bit, doing a better job with line breaks, and adding some flow or rhythm—but it's so jarring I can't help really liking it. So take all that criticism with a pinch of salt.
I really like this one. Lines like "You scurry in the kitchen and lather eggs onto a plate, yellow and unctuous. Yesterday’s dinner sits cold on the counter." And "Words gather like foam over tepid coffee." And etc. are very amusing and interesting. However, it's a bit too staccato. The individual lines seem to work, but there's no real melody (despite there being a theme).
Also, a lot of the word choices sound a little artificial (especially the amount of prepositions). Did you use any experimental methods, such as cut-up or AI Interpretive Selection? They tend to favor the preposition.
I would think about rearranging it a bit, doing a better job with line breaks, and adding some flow or rhythm—but it's so jarring I can't help really liking it. So take all that criticism with a pinch of salt.