06-17-2024, 11:45 PM
Hi Crow,
it's a little confused, for me, but I like the basic idea.
The dragon’s dog was beautiful,
he wanted her to know. ........................ Realising that the dragon is 'he' takes a moment (and thus loses you momentum)
Perhaps, given the title you might rework the first line? Something like
a [dog breed] was beautiful
he wanted her to know
so took her ....
He took her to the festival
to win her “Best in Show.” ................. To me this reads like 'he' is going to win the competition for her.
Some said oooo, and some said ahhhh ......... can't figure out who they are marvelling at, the dragon or the dog?
before they screamed and fled. .................. I like the oooos and ahhhs, but then you you have 'screamed' which is a bit of a let down.
Some fell on their knees and prayed .......... so you're not slant rhyming this line? Why the break in the pattern?
to stay the dragon’s dread. ........................ This is gibberish, and not in a good way. Can't figure out what you think 'dread' means. You might try overcome with dread.
One judge just sat petrified .................... Why 'one judge'? You don't mention any others so why not avoid raising the question (of what were the others doing) by simply having 'The judge ...'?
and raised a perfect ten. ......................... this doesn't really work. Petrified - turned to stone - but also able to move/raise? Can you change 'and' to 'then'?
The dragon smiled satisfied,
and razed their fucking tent. ................ This doesn't quite work, for me. The profanity after 'oooo' / 'ahhh' / 'screamed' just seems to be trying too hard. And it leaves me with the question did the dragon burn the tent down with the dog in it?
Best, Knot
.
it's a little confused, for me, but I like the basic idea.
The dragon’s dog was beautiful,
he wanted her to know. ........................ Realising that the dragon is 'he' takes a moment (and thus loses you momentum)
Perhaps, given the title you might rework the first line? Something like
a [dog breed] was beautiful
he wanted her to know
so took her ....
He took her to the festival
to win her “Best in Show.” ................. To me this reads like 'he' is going to win the competition for her.
Some said oooo, and some said ahhhh ......... can't figure out who they are marvelling at, the dragon or the dog?
before they screamed and fled. .................. I like the oooos and ahhhs, but then you you have 'screamed' which is a bit of a let down.
Some fell on their knees and prayed .......... so you're not slant rhyming this line? Why the break in the pattern?
to stay the dragon’s dread. ........................ This is gibberish, and not in a good way. Can't figure out what you think 'dread' means. You might try overcome with dread.
One judge just sat petrified .................... Why 'one judge'? You don't mention any others so why not avoid raising the question (of what were the others doing) by simply having 'The judge ...'?
and raised a perfect ten. ......................... this doesn't really work. Petrified - turned to stone - but also able to move/raise? Can you change 'and' to 'then'?
The dragon smiled satisfied,
and razed their fucking tent. ................ This doesn't quite work, for me. The profanity after 'oooo' / 'ahhh' / 'screamed' just seems to be trying too hard. And it leaves me with the question did the dragon burn the tent down with the dog in it?
Best, Knot
.