Lost

[Erthona]

If the alternating tab un-tab lines are suppose to be the ticking of the clock it is a clever device, but i am not sure it works as it makes the reading much harder...at least for me. In most cases the pause it creates doesn't appear to accomplish much, for me it was distracting and interrupted the reading, making it bumpy where it should have read smoothly in most instances.

"Let the thick dark fall,
earthen and wet
to blanket us in
a simple child’s fort"
This to me sounded like you were being buried. Sometimes we are to clever for our own good. The "thick dark" seems to call for something, but " earthen and wet" doesn't seem to be the answer. They just don't seem to fit together.

"Scant the warning; that tingle
on the nape
of the horizon."

I get this is supposed to be an extended metaphor, but you seem to bounce between the metaphor and the reality, not really doing good service to both. Such as:

"my sky the blurred blue
of your eyes, my horizon
the curve of your smile
everything now
as close as a kiss."
Here you are no longer talking about the earth as romantic companion, now you are talking about your romantic companion having aspects of the earth/sky. Do you see the difference?

I can see that you have worked hard on this, romantic poetry is never easy and I commend your effort try new ways to express this sentiment. Keep up the good work,

best,

dale