07-31-2024, 12:36 AM
Hello crow- I really like the section below and think the poem could be fleshed out using more actual flesh and bone details.
You have a face like the first
woman who loved storms
men die alone
and see you last
Your face
You have a face like this:
A face with everything in it,interesting thought
like a postage stamp of the first the postage stamp metaphor just ain't working for me
woman who loved storms this is the most intriguing idea to me
a mirage where men die alone
and see you last, your face very cool thought here, too. But what is it about her face that would be the last thing men see?
is like a toy that spins so fast The mixed metaphor 'postage stamp/toy' really threw me off
there is pain and joy and again
and again. A gay blotto. mystified by 'gay blotto' She's a flirty alcoholic???
You are agile, and kind, and severe. A description other than these modifiers would work better: eyes, cheek bones, lips, etc. 'agile, kind, and severe' are far to general to picture- I need more concrete imagery
And I am a goose, yes, now I'm totally lost. This section feels like a completely different poem
I am, I am
a goose yes yes
I am a goose
cracker beak
mean
on your
your soft hands.
I do hope that my take on this piece is helpful, because I feel that this idea could be worked to great effect: that woman's face being the last thing that some men will picture.
Mark
You have a face like the first
woman who loved storms
men die alone
and see you last
Your face
You have a face like this:
A face with everything in it,interesting thought
like a postage stamp of the first the postage stamp metaphor just ain't working for me
woman who loved storms this is the most intriguing idea to me
a mirage where men die alone
and see you last, your face very cool thought here, too. But what is it about her face that would be the last thing men see?
is like a toy that spins so fast The mixed metaphor 'postage stamp/toy' really threw me off
there is pain and joy and again
and again. A gay blotto. mystified by 'gay blotto' She's a flirty alcoholic???
You are agile, and kind, and severe. A description other than these modifiers would work better: eyes, cheek bones, lips, etc. 'agile, kind, and severe' are far to general to picture- I need more concrete imagery
And I am a goose, yes, now I'm totally lost. This section feels like a completely different poem
I am, I am
a goose yes yes
I am a goose
cracker beak
mean
on your
your soft hands.
I do hope that my take on this piece is helpful, because I feel that this idea could be worked to great effect: that woman's face being the last thing that some men will picture.
Mark