08-20-2024, 08:06 PM
Hi Bianca,
as CWS says, there are some strong lines here, and a little pruning might allow them to shine (though I think Day 4 needs a reworking, to match the quality of the rest. Though perhaps the question works well on its own?)
I don't think you need to use Day X, a reader can infer this from the title.
First 5 Days of Heartbreak
Anchored to grief like great stones
the lungs collapse with loss
in the kettle of my stomach
there is no room for anything but anger
my hands tamp down the reverberation
that pain might not rend them to rags ............... struggle to connect reverberation to rags (beyond the alliteration)
Who lies to the wind?
in the filtered sun of empty hallways ............. not quite sure what 'filtered sun' means.
inching forward one hour at a time
Best, Knot
.
as CWS says, there are some strong lines here, and a little pruning might allow them to shine (though I think Day 4 needs a reworking, to match the quality of the rest. Though perhaps the question works well on its own?)
I don't think you need to use Day X, a reader can infer this from the title.
First 5 Days of Heartbreak
Anchored to grief like great stones
the lungs collapse with loss
in the kettle of my stomach
there is no room for anything but anger
my hands tamp down the reverberation
that pain might not rend them to rags ............... struggle to connect reverberation to rags (beyond the alliteration)
Who lies to the wind?
in the filtered sun of empty hallways ............. not quite sure what 'filtered sun' means.
inching forward one hour at a time
Best, Knot
.