08-21-2024, 07:18 AM
Hi bianca-
This one could actually be in INTENSIVE because is it already quite polished, and I can tell you've put much thought to it.
The quatrain structure can work without the DAY numbering. That said, try not to be a slave to the form, especially with a poem like like, which conveys a lot of raw emotion. I find myself married to a certain self-imposed form far too often, and find it hard then to break my own 'rules'. The images in this poem are outstanding- rely on them to guide you while trying pare this one down.
Punctuate or not? Pick one or the other.
I'm only going to remove some words, without changing any:
Breath is superfluous.
grief like great stones
lungs collapse
loss constantly arriving
Sick with sewage, swallowing anger
no room in the kettle
of my stomach
to crest over the burn
When claxons ring out
tamp down shivers held
by tight tendons, that pain might not
rend them to rags
Who lies to the wind? I really love this line
Heartbreak floats on it,
featherlight and perfumed
unbothered by endless circles
Resolution is not serenity
in the filtered sun of empty hallways
but footsteps, grinding and heavy
inching forward one hour at a time
This one could actually be in INTENSIVE because is it already quite polished, and I can tell you've put much thought to it.
The quatrain structure can work without the DAY numbering. That said, try not to be a slave to the form, especially with a poem like like, which conveys a lot of raw emotion. I find myself married to a certain self-imposed form far too often, and find it hard then to break my own 'rules'. The images in this poem are outstanding- rely on them to guide you while trying pare this one down.
Punctuate or not? Pick one or the other.
I'm only going to remove some words, without changing any:
Breath is superfluous.
grief like great stones
lungs collapse
loss constantly arriving
Sick with sewage, swallowing anger
no room in the kettle
of my stomach
to crest over the burn
When claxons ring out
tamp down shivers held
by tight tendons, that pain might not
rend them to rags
Who lies to the wind? I really love this line
Heartbreak floats on it,
featherlight and perfumed
unbothered by endless circles
Resolution is not serenity
in the filtered sun of empty hallways
but footsteps, grinding and heavy
inching forward one hour at a time