Dreams - Edit 1.0
#5
(09-22-2024, 05:42 AM)busker Wrote:  Dreams

The poet told 
of love in reams
with fingers cold

come autumn. Trees
leached colours bold
into tannin streams.

As their leaves turned gold
I grew old in your dreams.
I like this. Good use of enjambment.

A couple of points - Were you looking to stick to any structure? The first five lines work so well with four syllables each and then line six seems to jar because it has an extra syllable. You could have it as 'in  tannin streams' and it would work, it also would help the last two lines to work if the first six are regular. 

Also, I would suggest changing the title, it's kind of lazy. A better title would definitely help.

Good read.
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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Messages In This Thread
Dreams - Edit 1.0 - by busker - 09-22-2024, 05:42 AM
RE: Dreams - by brynmawr1 - 09-22-2024, 12:51 PM
RE: Dreams - by busker - 09-22-2024, 12:54 PM
RE: Dreams - by brynmawr1 - 09-22-2024, 01:10 PM
RE: Dreams - by Magpie - 09-22-2024, 10:18 PM
RE: Dreams - by Bunx - 09-22-2024, 10:42 PM
RE: Dreams - by Mark A Becker - 09-24-2024, 08:24 PM
RE: Dreams - Edit 1.0 - by busker - 09-25-2024, 03:02 AM



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