10-06-2024, 09:08 AM
Kosmos
When the fiery maple
has been extinguished and
the milky way is draped …. This is the poem. Brilliant.
across towering pines. …”towering” sounds cliched here
Galaxies appear and …. Not my favourite line (Milky Way is enough Galaxy), but can’t think of what to suggest here
billions of souls can be … cliche
eclipsed by a finger.
How many murders will
I witness this evening? … better to have the final two lines as the title?
The poem begins supremely well. I think with a little trimming it will be excellent
When the fiery maple
has been extinguished and
the milky way is draped …. This is the poem. Brilliant.
across towering pines. …”towering” sounds cliched here
Galaxies appear and …. Not my favourite line (Milky Way is enough Galaxy), but can’t think of what to suggest here
billions of souls can be … cliche
eclipsed by a finger.
How many murders will
I witness this evening? … better to have the final two lines as the title?
The poem begins supremely well. I think with a little trimming it will be excellent