Display
#2
(10-12-2024, 12:41 AM)libra Wrote:  Display


I invite knives,       consider just 'Inviting knives' and lose the comma 
So curious a thing
Must be dissected.
Make a slit and
Slide away skin.
Is the skull
Lumpy
or a finger
Too long?
Cut a flap,    flap seems a little vague.  How about door or window as a more defined image and carries some connotation that might be interesting.
Expose the insides    same with insides, vague but I don't have a suggestion for this one.
An x-ray flash.
Compare. Contrast.
Open the mouth,
Position the legs,
Put a finger here,
There.
Protect yourself
With latex.
Separate the heart
With wires,     the wires confuses me some
From the chamber
To the cell,
Exhibit
With your stain
Fix the brain,
An example.
Hi Libra
Very seasonally macabre.  Overall, I like it.  It reads well.  I think it could be improved with some more specific imagery as noted above, and I would maybe add the finger references in that comment.  I also think the poem would benefit from moving some of the lines around to have a little more of a progression.  I highlighted some lines that might do better later in the piece.  Finally, there are a couple rhymes that might be better if they are separated by a few lines to give a more subtle rhythm, ie stain and brain at the end.
Ignore as suits you.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn
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Messages In This Thread
Display - by libra - 10-12-2024, 12:41 AM
RE: Display - by brynmawr1 - 10-13-2024, 09:13 AM
RE: Display - by Bunx - 10-14-2024, 01:43 AM
RE: Display - by Grady VanWright - 01-20-2025, 10:23 PM
RE: Display - by Glaucon - 01-31-2025, 02:40 PM
RE: Display - by libra - 02-12-2025, 08:41 PM
RE: Display - by libra - 02-13-2025, 07:46 PM
RE: Display - by RiverNotch - 02-17-2025, 02:20 AM



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