11-23-2024, 11:03 PM
FFS, Magpie . . . after your British, google-aided analysis, I feel I have to step in and give the poem the correct read.
An American read.
Gerryswo, here you go:
NOTHING BUT NET (For our soccer-loving cousins, this means that someone is hugely successful . . . I like it as a contrast to the rest of the depiction of the poem. Ignore the people who don't get this reference immediately and keep it.)
If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface. -OK after dragging MP, I'm going to agree with some of his analysis. I like the first line "If you listened" because the central figure of this poem doesn't seem to be anyone of consequence. So the line "if you listened" is a great place to start IMO, because it indicts the readers as part of an uncaring world. But MP is right, instead of saying "almost hear" why not use another sonic device? "The whispered arc of the ball" or something like that. This poem wants to play with sound and rhythm. Why not lean into that and do it?
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Basketball is all about rhythm and you're on the verge of bringing the sound of it into the poem. But instead of saying "the repetition" make it repetitive. Don't tell me, bring me there. "The grunt, slap, thud, slap-slap-slap swish." And the detail of the tar makes me feel like it's an outdoor court. Is there that echo effect off buildings? The white light you mentioned above, is it a street light? Is it buzzing? Exploit the sensory details.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard, Can we make this line smoother and more descriptive? "The boy, breathing easy, saunters past the light"
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget, The poem turns on this line, this is where we go from success to reality. Can we make it less cliche? Maybe make it a turn around of expectations "remembering that he wanted to forget"
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette. Touchdown.
Thanks for a read, I'd be interested to see what you do with it.
xo,
Val
An American read.
Gerryswo, here you go:
NOTHING BUT NET (For our soccer-loving cousins, this means that someone is hugely successful . . . I like it as a contrast to the rest of the depiction of the poem. Ignore the people who don't get this reference immediately and keep it.)
If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface. -OK after dragging MP, I'm going to agree with some of his analysis. I like the first line "If you listened" because the central figure of this poem doesn't seem to be anyone of consequence. So the line "if you listened" is a great place to start IMO, because it indicts the readers as part of an uncaring world. But MP is right, instead of saying "almost hear" why not use another sonic device? "The whispered arc of the ball" or something like that. This poem wants to play with sound and rhythm. Why not lean into that and do it?
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Basketball is all about rhythm and you're on the verge of bringing the sound of it into the poem. But instead of saying "the repetition" make it repetitive. Don't tell me, bring me there. "The grunt, slap, thud, slap-slap-slap swish." And the detail of the tar makes me feel like it's an outdoor court. Is there that echo effect off buildings? The white light you mentioned above, is it a street light? Is it buzzing? Exploit the sensory details.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard, Can we make this line smoother and more descriptive? "The boy, breathing easy, saunters past the light"
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget, The poem turns on this line, this is where we go from success to reality. Can we make it less cliche? Maybe make it a turn around of expectations "remembering that he wanted to forget"
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette. Touchdown.
Thanks for a read, I'd be interested to see what you do with it.
xo,
Val