12-01-2024, 02:07 PM
As we come to life and hear the songbird, I like your opening lines. There is a smoothness, an evenness to your rhyming pattern. There is a feeling of
The world looks bright beneath the trees. positive happening, but with the sense that that might not continue.
It has come to pass, the bout of sorrow
That kept us trembling at the knees.
It is lighter now beside the songbird,
The weight is swaying with the leaves.
And the plight of doubt is silent, unheard,
The voices whisper in the breeze:
We come together
So naturally,
Procreation These two lines felt a little off. I think it was the word "procreation". Something like "The life we produced binds
Binds us endlessly. us..."
I see you through the clouds, I like that you were disciplined enough (except for the first line) to have six syllables per line.
You're even higher now.
You fill the misty nights,
You keep my dreams alive.
I look above in awe,
I watch my angel soar.
You set my soul alight,
You weave the midnight sky.
If time were ours to bend,
If it would never end,
If I could stay with you,
Forever's far too few. This line didn't make sense to me. I found myself asking "Forever's far too few what?"
We'll meet again someday, I like that your ending picked and resolved your beginning.
When looming ravens take Good poem with, I thought, some minor points to consider.
Our feathered souls away,
And lay our flesh in graves.
The world looks bright beneath the trees. positive happening, but with the sense that that might not continue.
It has come to pass, the bout of sorrow
That kept us trembling at the knees.
It is lighter now beside the songbird,
The weight is swaying with the leaves.
And the plight of doubt is silent, unheard,
The voices whisper in the breeze:
We come together
So naturally,
Procreation These two lines felt a little off. I think it was the word "procreation". Something like "The life we produced binds
Binds us endlessly. us..."
I see you through the clouds, I like that you were disciplined enough (except for the first line) to have six syllables per line.
You're even higher now.
You fill the misty nights,
You keep my dreams alive.
I look above in awe,
I watch my angel soar.
You set my soul alight,
You weave the midnight sky.
If time were ours to bend,
If it would never end,
If I could stay with you,
Forever's far too few. This line didn't make sense to me. I found myself asking "Forever's far too few what?"
We'll meet again someday, I like that your ending picked and resolved your beginning.
When looming ravens take Good poem with, I thought, some minor points to consider.
Our feathered souls away,
And lay our flesh in graves.