12-03-2024, 08:34 PM
(11-23-2024, 01:49 PM)Gerryswo Wrote: NOTHING BUT NET - I would still argue that this is cliché and seeing as though you've used it in the poem in a way which may not be cliché then it would be a good chance to give it a different title. Treat it as an extra line, something that is not said in the poemGood, I like the edit. It's a good improvement on the first one. There are a couple of issues with this one but nothing too too major that can't be sorted. I like the idea and what you've done with it.
Revision 1
The ball arched 'A ball arches' silently through the night - comma at the end of line
like a small moon - you could drop 'like' hear and the metaphor is stronger than the simile
eclipsed against a wash of white light, - is the light in front of the ball? Or is it getting lost in light behind it? this is awkward - an object can't be eclipsed against another object
followed by a swish of net - new stanza - could lose 'followed by a'
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court. - i like 'cracked black court' as opposed to first version - the rest could be made less verbose
The boy, facing invisible opponents, - should be 'A boy' - there are better words than 'invisible' which you could use here to imply that there are opponents off court as well as on
grunted with exertion, - I've just noticed that this is all past tense - present tense 'in the moment' would work better for all of this - so 'grunts, twists, turns' etc...
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net. - you could put this in quotation marks and then it ain't so cliché
His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope - new stanza - a couple of tense issues in this last bit also - do you need 'of abandoned hope' here? It's in danger of tipping it towards cliché - 'scarred brick face' is good it says 'abandoned hope' for you
until he finally walked past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.
It's good to see poems getting workshopped.
wae aye man ye radgie
