Nothing but net

[Gerryswo]

I'm a newby here. I don't know if I'm posting poem updates properly. I assume you realize that the poem beginning with "If you listened..." is the initial version of the poem. The updated version begins "The ball arched silently..." I wonder if that might be where your "repetitive adjectives" comment originated. I'm not too sure what you mean by "But are you aiming for right?"

NOTHING BUT NET


The ball arched silently through the night
like a small moon
eclipsed against a wash of white light,
followed by a swish of net
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court.
The boy, facing invisible opponents,
grunted with exertion,
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net.
His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope
until he finally walked past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.


If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface.
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

The thing about this poem is that it is muscular with its jagged and repetitious adjectives.
I didn't know that repetitious was a word, or even the right word, until it felt right, and I typed it out, and it was right.
That's the way I see this poem. There's not much about it that looks or sounds right. But are you aiming for right?

---

What does "bump the thread" mean?

resuscitate - write a new reply on it saying you've done an edit and 'bump'

I see. I'll do that from now on. Thank you.

---

NOTHING BUT NET


The ball arched silently through the night
like a small moon
eclipsed against a wash of white light,
followed by a swish of net
and the thump of leather on the cracked black court.
The boy, facing invisible opponents,
grunted with exertion,
twisted, turned,
stopped, leapt,
shot.
Nothing but net.
His game echoed off the scarred brick face of abandoned hope
until he finally walked past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.


If you listened
you could almost hear the ball
as it arched through the night,
silhouetted against the white light,
followed by a swish as it was constrained
briefly by the net
before thumping against the hard black surface.
Then the heaving grunt of exertion,
the singular slap of rubber on tar,
the silence,
the silence,
the thud of leather against a ring of iron.
The silence.
The repetition.
Finally, the boy, not even breathing hard,
walking past the light
into the night,
thankful for the short time when he could forget,
not ready to go home yet,
reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

The thing about this poem is that it is muscular with its jagged and repetitious adjectives.
I didn't know that repetitious was a word, or even the right word, until it felt right, and I typed it out, and it was right.
That's the way I see this poem. There's not much about it that looks or sounds right. But are you aiming for right?

I'm a newby here. I don't know if I'm posting poem updates properly. I assume you realize that the poem beginning with "If you listened..." is the initial version of the poem. The updated version begins "The ball arched silently..." I wonder if that might be where your "repetitive adjectives" comment originated. I'm not too sure what you mean by "But are you aiming for right?"