12-18-2024, 11:43 PM
Hello Ton-
Birds pretty generic
I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour
and raptor-faces. This stanza seems to me to be part of another poem. It sets up a sinister feel yet doesn't follow with anything to support that. Since the poem is about crows, please note that they are not raptors. That simple fact doesn't help move the poem forward.
Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and titbits
in the back-garden; This is good but could use more descriptive language.
in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile, This oddity of crow behavior could be explored more in follow-on stanzas, but...
knowing we would be dazzled. ... the poem ends abrubtly with a highly suspect assumption about crow behavior. I suggest reading more about crows, and adding some further insights that might actually dazzle.
All that said, I am a BIG fan of poems based upon observation. This one needs more observational detail. Good start, nonetheless.
Mark
Birds pretty generic
I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour
and raptor-faces. This stanza seems to me to be part of another poem. It sets up a sinister feel yet doesn't follow with anything to support that. Since the poem is about crows, please note that they are not raptors. That simple fact doesn't help move the poem forward.
Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and titbits
in the back-garden; This is good but could use more descriptive language.
in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile, This oddity of crow behavior could be explored more in follow-on stanzas, but...
knowing we would be dazzled. ... the poem ends abrubtly with a highly suspect assumption about crow behavior. I suggest reading more about crows, and adding some further insights that might actually dazzle.
All that said, I am a BIG fan of poems based upon observation. This one needs more observational detail. Good start, nonetheless.
Mark