12-20-2024, 10:24 PM
Not entirely sure what's going on here so it's hard to crit in some sense, but here goes...
I've tried best to highlight some things. You have a couple of good ideas within this piece.
(12-20-2024, 03:59 PM)lcbullock Wrote: Baseball Season - you mention 'Baseball Season' in the poem so a different title could add somethingForgive me if I am missing something but I have no idea what you are trying to say. Is it a famous baseball players obituary? Who is the girl? Who is the narrator talking to?
A New York Times is the day rolled - I quite like this start, the line break is awkward though
under an arm as it begins to rain. - 'as it begins to rain' adds nothing
A New York Times
is the day rolled under an arm. - you could break it like this - or break after 'day'
The player catches a baseball to win - this is where I start to get lost - at first I thought they may be related to reports in the The New York Times, but I'm not sure
the game, celebrates a death. - who 'celebrates a death', the baseball player?
Could it be worded different perhaps -
A player makes a catch
to win a baseball game.
It’s all over. She loves you for who
you are. You don’t know it yet
but you are loved by everyone
for dying. There’s no other reason. - don't know who 'she' is or who the 'you' is that the narrator is referring to
The story of your life is above the fold. - these two lines are good, no need to make it two sentences.
Column four, next to a coffee stain.
The baseball rises, rises, into the thin - don't need repetition of 'rises' - awkward line break again, move 'air' up a line. Don't worry about the length of the line visually, break a line where it sounds right or for reasons of enjambment
air. Everyone holds, holds, their breath. - 'holds, holds' ?? why why
It begins. You and her are through.
You take a slow pull on a cigarette
and stare for hours at the sun, - not advisable and certainly not feasible, even in a poem
denying. It’s baseball season. - line break again is awkward - denying what? I'm not sure and then 'It's baseball season'
I've tried best to highlight some things. You have a couple of good ideas within this piece.
wae aye man ye radgie
