12-22-2024, 08:31 AM
(12-21-2024, 12:39 PM)ton321 Wrote: Then woke to birds singing, blackbird, lark. Missing subject here ("it," presumably) works well - sudden, confused awakening.First stanza, L3 - I have a little trouble with leaves falling on the lintel (a horizontal member not much exposed to falling leaves). Is the house semi-ruined, with bare lintels? (Forgive my detail hobgoblin!)
It liked the rough feel of bark on its bricks, Personifies the house - it actively feels. Also nice inside rhyme (bark) in addition to the lark-dark.
the way leaves fell on its lintel, see comment below
how roots grasped like hands in the dark. Could be metaphor instead of simile by dropping "like."
Became its home. Sorrow was a thing of the past. Missing subject again, a bit harder to figure. And "thing of the past" is cliche.
But the hunting party of lawyers were closing in. Good recovery of cliche "hunting party" to a nice, ambiguous image (political party?) But see below...
The dogs were out in front, with wet black noses. Perhaps an active verb - "ran" out in front, "Their" for "The" - good picture
They were hunting out those things that were not meant to last. Could repeat of "hunting" be avoided? Even "hunted" instead of "were hunting?"
Second stanza, L1 - Be creative replacing "thing of the past," shouldn't be hard to keep the end rhyme.
"[P]arty... of lawyers were" Strictly speaking (down, hobgoblin!) it is the party which *is* closing in, so it should be "was" (singular). That looks and sounds wrong because "lawyers" (plural) is closer to the verb. Perhaps the line could be rearranged ("a lawyers' hunting party" or the like) to avoid the situation.
The last line makes the connection between the contented house and its implied troubled future ("You're real estate! Someone must own you!") Give it your best shot - I have an idea, but won't rewrite.
This is a good set of images, laid out in an effective sequence and ending with a melancholy, touching surprise. In basic critique, don't take these suggestions and observations too seriously. Looking forward to edits.
Non-practicing atheist

