Of Two Minds - edit3

[alonso ramoran]

Of Two Minds


I don’t believe some evil other hand "evil other hand" is intriguing phrasing to open with
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly. Could a stronger verb convey visiting secretly?
No, he designed and utilized, and knew Is the "and" after "designed" necessary?
about them but forgot for hours and days–
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned Comma after unconcerned? If this is a stylistic choice I don't mind it.
endowing, cool creator of his world– cool seems like a repetition of unconcerned
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread that God is just. Hence the title. The poem illustrates an interesting dichotomy (or cognitive dissonance) in the beliefs of those with power. To me it's very cerebral bc there isn't much imagery.

original version;

I don’t believe some evil other hand
built those dark Monticello passages
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson
to visit its slave quarters secretly.
No, he designed and utilized, and knew...
but not, perhaps, each hour of each day.

Just as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, cool, impersonal Creator–
most days, and while he wrote of human rights.
But other times he trembled when he thought
with yearly mounting dread that God is just.

Thank you for sharing.