12-30-2024, 08:27 PM
Hi IkeAntic,
I thought “Smoke” was far better than “Building Blocks” (which I find was just a very generic poem lacking in details), so I’ll comment on “Smoke”.
Smoke
Mom worked at the hospital. [or ", / so we were alone most nights"]
We were alone at night.
Dad was in the Navy,
traveling, killing people. [I like how you mentioned this in such a blasé way; maybe "travelling and killing "?]
[Maybe combine the first two stanzas to create a four-line stanza]
Dinner was packaged on foil trays.
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.
One night the cat's food
caught on fire in the oven.
The neighbor ran over to put it out.
She died soon after - lung cancer.
[Again, combine the previous two stanzas to create a four-line stanza]
I took up smoking as a teen.
Stealing cigs from shops, hiding [put "hiding" at the start of the next line instead?]
them under a neighbor's porch.
We thought we were cool, but [put "but" at the start of the next line instead?]
time eroded that assumption. [How about "corroded" instead of "eroded"? It would give a harsher feel]
[I think you need more material here on the theme of smoking before you get to the more philosophical end section, you might even come up with something that replaces the last two stanzas. In any case, I think your final stanza is the weakest part of your poem, so I would suggest removing that]
We are the sum of our actions, [maybe delete "our"]
spread over time. The past is past, [maybe "has passed"?]
disappearing like smoke rings into thin air.
Today was tomorrow yesterday.
Regrets are a waste of time,
wisps of smoke in the night.
I thought “Smoke” was far better than “Building Blocks” (which I find was just a very generic poem lacking in details), so I’ll comment on “Smoke”.
Smoke
Mom worked at the hospital. [or ", / so we were alone most nights"]
We were alone at night.
Dad was in the Navy,
traveling, killing people. [I like how you mentioned this in such a blasé way; maybe "travelling and killing "?]
[Maybe combine the first two stanzas to create a four-line stanza]
Dinner was packaged on foil trays.
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.
One night the cat's food
caught on fire in the oven.
The neighbor ran over to put it out.
She died soon after - lung cancer.
[Again, combine the previous two stanzas to create a four-line stanza]
I took up smoking as a teen.
Stealing cigs from shops, hiding [put "hiding" at the start of the next line instead?]
them under a neighbor's porch.
We thought we were cool, but [put "but" at the start of the next line instead?]
time eroded that assumption. [How about "corroded" instead of "eroded"? It would give a harsher feel]
[I think you need more material here on the theme of smoking before you get to the more philosophical end section, you might even come up with something that replaces the last two stanzas. In any case, I think your final stanza is the weakest part of your poem, so I would suggest removing that]
We are the sum of our actions, [maybe delete "our"]
spread over time. The past is past, [maybe "has passed"?]
disappearing like smoke rings into thin air.
Today was tomorrow yesterday.
Regrets are a waste of time,
wisps of smoke in the night.