12-31-2024, 04:54 PM
magpie pretty much covered the main things, but i've got a couple things to add:
Baseball Season
A New York Times is the day rolled
under an arm as it begins to rain. the first two lines are basically fine, but for some reason i can't put my finger on they flow weirdly
The player catches a baseball to win
the game, celebrates a death.
It’s all over. She loves you for who the rapid fire juxtaposition of all of these conflicting emotions/occurances "celebrates a death" "it's all over" "she loves you for who you are" are pretty confusing, especially when introducing "She". A lot is going on with no real rhyme or reason so your reader is just gonna get left behind.
you are. You don’t know it yet
but you are loved by everyone
for dying. There’s no other reason. "loved by everyone for dying" ohhhh it's about Ted Kennedy
The story of your life is above the fold. i get the implication of obituary that magpie seemed to as well, though "above the fold" and "column four" suggest pretty much front page news. is this supposed to be about a celebrity? because from how the poem is framed, "you" seems to not be a baseball player or at least not the one talked about
Column four, next to a coffee stain. nice detail
The baseball rises, rises, into the thin
air. Everyone holds, holds, their breath. 1000000% agree with previous poster to get rid of the weird repetition in this line and the previous one.
It begins. You and her are through. okay so this is supposed to be the counter to the previous line of "it's all over..." so is this supposed to present a circular timeframe or..?
You take a slow pull on a cigarette this line and the next actually work for me, despite the valid critique of not actually being able to stare for hours at the sun. i like the self-destructive feeling this gives, as if this person is just trying to bubble his eyes out of his skull out of pure spite. the "slow pull on a cigarette" is a bit basic, i guess it works though
and stare for hours at the sun,
denying. It’s baseball season. gonna double down on magpie's "denying what?" probably just get rid of that
Also, "It's baseball season" seems like a very abrupt and sorta odd way to end the poem
Welp, that's all I have for this one. Hope it helps in some way
Baseball Season
A New York Times is the day rolled
under an arm as it begins to rain. the first two lines are basically fine, but for some reason i can't put my finger on they flow weirdly
The player catches a baseball to win
the game, celebrates a death.
It’s all over. She loves you for who the rapid fire juxtaposition of all of these conflicting emotions/occurances "celebrates a death" "it's all over" "she loves you for who you are" are pretty confusing, especially when introducing "She". A lot is going on with no real rhyme or reason so your reader is just gonna get left behind.
you are. You don’t know it yet
but you are loved by everyone
for dying. There’s no other reason. "loved by everyone for dying" ohhhh it's about Ted Kennedy
The story of your life is above the fold. i get the implication of obituary that magpie seemed to as well, though "above the fold" and "column four" suggest pretty much front page news. is this supposed to be about a celebrity? because from how the poem is framed, "you" seems to not be a baseball player or at least not the one talked about
Column four, next to a coffee stain. nice detail
The baseball rises, rises, into the thin
air. Everyone holds, holds, their breath. 1000000% agree with previous poster to get rid of the weird repetition in this line and the previous one.
It begins. You and her are through. okay so this is supposed to be the counter to the previous line of "it's all over..." so is this supposed to present a circular timeframe or..?
You take a slow pull on a cigarette this line and the next actually work for me, despite the valid critique of not actually being able to stare for hours at the sun. i like the self-destructive feeling this gives, as if this person is just trying to bubble his eyes out of his skull out of pure spite. the "slow pull on a cigarette" is a bit basic, i guess it works though
and stare for hours at the sun,
denying. It’s baseball season. gonna double down on magpie's "denying what?" probably just get rid of that
Also, "It's baseball season" seems like a very abrupt and sorta odd way to end the poem
Welp, that's all I have for this one. Hope it helps in some way