Biology

[TrevorConway]

Hi Brynmawr,

Thank you very, very much for such a close reading of this. Yes, your suggestions are extremely useful. I'll give them a bit of thought before going at my next draft. You've equipped me very well to do so.

Thanks again,

Trevor
 

I knew the fascination of Darwin,    the double meaning is what won me over on this first line, BUT it might work better to switch the first two lines. or cut second line....

spreading my book in a Sligo classroom.

The damp-aired prefab bred spores of perspective,   

to peer into life on another level:   I was struggling with how to reorganize this first stanza so I just offered an example below

I knew the fascination of Darwin,

my book spread in that Sligo classroom-

a damp-aired prefab breeding spores (spores bred)

to know life on another level:

 

the functional porridge of a cell,  porridge is inspired

neurons, chlorophyll, unravelling DNA.  neurons not so much, doesn't fit previous line as not 'porridge of a cell'  golgi, mitochondria, ribosomes, endoplasmic reticulum...

I developed a fondness for liver fluke,  confess

an admiration, even.   missed opportunity to tie this into next stanza.  As is, not a strong way to end a stanza.  ,how?

 

Earthworms and grasses were rich cousins;  are?

enzymes and equations hid in my breath.  swirl, mix....anything but 'hid'.  This line seems overly poetic either way 'in my breath', seems cliche.

And how could I ever have imagined

the humble beginnings of the horse?

 

We had forty-five minutes – no more –

to ivy our brains over these pages

that curled to soft edges, frescoed with the ink,

the cryptic or crude, remarks of previous owners.  'frescoed' is good but I think the ending could be tightened by cutting 'cryptic or crude'.  Kill the darlings...darling.

 

Biology uncled an explanation  I looked up 'uncled' and it doesn't seem to be a word.  So I would come up with something else.

juicier than any religion.

We blindly accepted its facts,  not what, I think, you are going for here.  Isn't this the main criticism of religion?

knowing them as the fruits of study.   I think you could extend the Eden metaphor here; eg we eagerly consumed our apples...etc.

 

And yet, we sat through religion lessons,

where vague principles hung like murky pond scum,  just as a line comment...murky is redundant and pond scum doesn't hang.

while the sonnets and acts of an English class

led me to the cleanest page.   with changes this stanza would work better earlier, maybe...

 

Where’s that book now?  I assume you are going for ambiguity here between Darwin and the Bible.  Another reason I think the previous stanza would work better earlier.

Perhaps Wrapped in the recesses

of a canvas schoolbag,

tattooed with someone else’s thoughts?  last lines are great

 

On its pages, perhaps, fossils of me remain  maybe?

in inky bruises and hollow phrases.

They’d fascinate me now  They

more than any creature.

I have made a number of suggestions above.  I hope you find them useful.