01-11-2025, 04:22 AM
Whoa, this is a really interesting style! I love how it's consistently in couplets like it is. However, I think there are a few places where it's working against you a bit? For instance, in 2, I like how "me" starts all of the lines in that sequence, but here:
"me. And speak to
me. And tell
me
'I love you.'"
It's so brief that it feels kind of arbitrary? It's a little distracting and choppy to have a one word line there. I loved the overall vibe of this piece, and you generally use the disjointed writing to great effect.
Another location is in 4. In my opinion, breaking up Grand Central Sta- -tion in two lines feels a bit needlessly choppy as well.
"no-vel-ty" I'm not sure why the word is broken up like this? It creates emphasis, but I feel like I'm missing something there, because I am confused as to what it should be emphasizing.
I like the fact that 3 is so different from the others. My only criticism there is the "may make you smell bad". I'm not sure what is being communicated here? Does rain make you smelly? I also am missing the meaning of looking into the sun for long enough you "recognize everyone". I'm not sure I get what is being dropped there either?
Overall this piece is so unique and I'm really interested in reading it and thinking on it. But there are some parts where I'm losing the thread of what the poem is saying and it makes me feel confused. Thank you for the piece!
Cheers,
Quicksilver
"me. And speak to
me. And tell
me
'I love you.'"
It's so brief that it feels kind of arbitrary? It's a little distracting and choppy to have a one word line there. I loved the overall vibe of this piece, and you generally use the disjointed writing to great effect.
Another location is in 4. In my opinion, breaking up Grand Central Sta- -tion in two lines feels a bit needlessly choppy as well.
"no-vel-ty" I'm not sure why the word is broken up like this? It creates emphasis, but I feel like I'm missing something there, because I am confused as to what it should be emphasizing.
I like the fact that 3 is so different from the others. My only criticism there is the "may make you smell bad". I'm not sure what is being communicated here? Does rain make you smelly? I also am missing the meaning of looking into the sun for long enough you "recognize everyone". I'm not sure I get what is being dropped there either?
Overall this piece is so unique and I'm really interested in reading it and thinking on it. But there are some parts where I'm losing the thread of what the poem is saying and it makes me feel confused. Thank you for the piece!
Cheers,
Quicksilver