Display
#4
(10-12-2024, 12:41 AM)libra Wrote:  Display


I invite knives,
So curious a thing
Must be dissected.
Make a slit and
Slide away skin.
Is the skull
Lumpy
or a finger
Too long?
Cut a flap,
Expose the insides
An x-ray flash.
Compare. Contrast.
Open the mouth,
Position the legs,
Put a finger here,
There.
Protect yourself
With latex.
Separate the heart
With wires,
From the chamber
To the cell,
Exhibit
With your stain
Fix the brain,
An example.
Hello libra,
This is a well written poem, but I do believe the following could enhance its impact, I would suggest refining its imagery, tightening its rhythm, and exploring its emotional undertones more deeply.

Line Refinement for Rhythm - Adjusted certain phrases for a smoother rhythm and clearer flow, such as "Make a slit and / Slide away skin" becoming "Make a slit— / Slide the skin aside."

Intensified Imagery - Words like "smooth" vs. "lumpy" and "tether it with wires" create stronger visual impressions and evoke tactile sensations.

Added Emotional Depth - Slight shifts, such as "Must it not be dissected?" introduce a questioning tone, suggesting philosophical or existential undertones.

Enhanced Structure - Breaking lines into shorter fragments, punctuated for effect, amplifies tension and mirrors the methodical nature of dissection.

Modernized Diction - Rephrased parts like "Expose the insides / An x-ray flash" to tighten the phrasing and evoke a more clinical precision.
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Messages In This Thread
Display - by libra - 10-12-2024, 12:41 AM
RE: Display - by brynmawr1 - 10-13-2024, 09:13 AM
RE: Display - by Bunx - 10-14-2024, 01:43 AM
RE: Display - by Grady VanWright - 01-20-2025, 10:23 PM
RE: Display - by Glaucon - 01-31-2025, 02:40 PM
RE: Display - by libra - 02-12-2025, 08:41 PM
RE: Display - by libra - 02-13-2025, 07:46 PM
RE: Display - by RiverNotch - 02-17-2025, 02:20 AM



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