01-20-2025, 10:23 PM
(10-12-2024, 12:41 AM)libra Wrote: DisplayHello libra,
I invite knives,
So curious a thing
Must be dissected.
Make a slit and
Slide away skin.
Is the skull
Lumpy
or a finger
Too long?
Cut a flap,
Expose the insides
An x-ray flash.
Compare. Contrast.
Open the mouth,
Position the legs,
Put a finger here,
There.
Protect yourself
With latex.
Separate the heart
With wires,
From the chamber
To the cell,
Exhibit
With your stain
Fix the brain,
An example.
This is a well written poem, but I do believe the following could enhance its impact, I would suggest refining its imagery, tightening its rhythm, and exploring its emotional undertones more deeply.
Line Refinement for Rhythm - Adjusted certain phrases for a smoother rhythm and clearer flow, such as "Make a slit and / Slide away skin" becoming "Make a slit— / Slide the skin aside."
Intensified Imagery - Words like "smooth" vs. "lumpy" and "tether it with wires" create stronger visual impressions and evoke tactile sensations.
Added Emotional Depth - Slight shifts, such as "Must it not be dissected?" introduce a questioning tone, suggesting philosophical or existential undertones.
Enhanced Structure - Breaking lines into shorter fragments, punctuated for effect, amplifies tension and mirrors the methodical nature of dissection.
Modernized Diction - Rephrased parts like "Expose the insides / An x-ray flash" to tighten the phrasing and evoke a more clinical precision.

