01-31-2025, 02:40 PM
(10-12-2024, 12:41 AM)libra Wrote: DisplayHello, Libra
I invite knives,
So curious a thing
Must be dissected.
Make a slit and <-- It's rarely a good idea to break a line on a conjunction. Poets far above our pay grade can perhaps get away with it, but we should aspire not to, imho.
Slide away skin.
Is the skull
Lumpy
or a finger <---If you're going to capitalize each line, be consistent.
Too long?
Cut a flap,
Expose the insides
An x-ray flash. <--- An x-ray doesn't need a flap, so the simile falters a bit.
Compare. Contrast.
Open the mouth,
Position the legs,
Put a finger here,
There.
Protect yourself
With latex.
Separate the heart
With wires,
From the chamber
To the cell, <---Just from a strictly practical POV, a wire would have to be incredibly small to separate the heart from a cell. Maybe I'm just being picky
Exhibit
With your stain
Fix the brain,<--- you have two lines in the entire poem that rhyme, which makes them stick out like a very sore thumb, so expect the reader to ponder the reason. If there is no reason other than mere chance, you should change one or the other word. Thinking about stuff that I don’t have to think about because there’s no "there" there makes me not want to read another poem by an author. Just sayin’
An example.
I thought perhaps I was reading the script for an episode of Hannibal, which was fun. And even more so by the fact that screenplays notoriously –and deliberately— lack much flair (metaphor or heightened language, etc.) So, it is essentially a list poem, if only a list of somewhat bleak imperatives. It’s difficult to say if N speaks to themselves or to some other person. A clue would be handy for interpretation. Also we are told to display relatively pedantic pieces of the body. I would have liked to learn a little more interesting anatomy from you than finger – mouth – legs – heart – brain. So we have the splayed specimen before us, human it appears, and we are told (at the end) that it’s merely “an example.” The verbs, nouns, (and practically non-existent modifiers and/or metaphors) do not inspire love, hate, fear, or loathing. Perhaps that’s the point? Moreover, the banality is droned into the reader’s brain by a lack of pauses (i.e., strophe breaks) that might have heightened the tension by creating emphasis.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and comment on your poem. I wish you the very best!
Cheers!
-Charles
