Near Yosemite, CA

[Jamiefarmer]

Hello James-
With a bit of massaging this poem could really shine. In-line comments below:

Near Yosemite, CA

I was there  strike this line. the poem illustrates this well enough
Each dry oak with stabbing leaves
And the pines and the big rock across the water  Is the big rock the Sentinel? If so, say so.
Are so abstinent, so quiet

They’ll tell you unbearable truths
While all the years push at you
From both ends of the river  this is a way cool line

The place is a praying site, a holy mosque  prehaps condense: the place is holy as a mosque 
The water’s light feels like sand in the far east  another interesting line
Or when the moon hits, the bed of civilization
In a fertile area

I swung a line
you can hardly be a citizen here
Of the United States, only an older brother, sister
Or a rock bottomer

Are these mountains still being settled
You might ask, what’s really taking place here

Did John Muir hope to raise cattle  extend this thought regarding Muir; his University of Wilderness.
Are you a tourist in dim equipment light
Hoping to see some rock  the mention of tourists seems intrusive in this poem

Or are these the holy kind of mountains  'the holy kind' is an odd descriptor
That you can meet face to face  Maybe : these mountains meet you face to face 
where villages spread out
And the grains are passed around   This stanza could be re-worked to better effect

I’m here anyways strike this line. we know you're there
I just kept on barefoot walking down the summersand
And jumped in the water there  is it the Merced river? If so, say so. Something about ablution would work really well here.

This poem has great potential. The more personal you can make it, the better. Statements like "I was there" are way too bland.
... Mark

Hey Mark,

Thank you for these suggestions, I think you were able to appreciate this for what it is. It is about the Merced river, I go there a lot during the summer.
I'm ready to cut out most of your striked-out lines, I agree with you. I haven't read as much of Muir's work or know as much about him as I'd like to, and I would like to expand on his ideas there. The "big rocK" isn't sentinel, I was just picturing some of those big boulders and cliffs you see across the river.

I hope I was able to get that Merced river feeling across