specter?

[alonso ramoran]

hyperviolet,

I enjoyed the confident tone of the piece. With that said, I agree with others that the piece veers a bit too much into prose for lack of imagery. I think this can be remedied by rereading and asking "how" of every line and writing that instead. More comments below.

We know only what we see, what we hear
And clearly, to you, I am a specter. solid opener
Knowing nothing of whom you speak of
Yet you talk with such certainty; "yet" can be cut
Never even having let me truly speak. I think this is your earliest opportunity to show an image and it's not taken. How is the N kept from speaking? Are they gagged? Tongue ripped out? Frontal lobe knocked in?

And now, I must understand you,
Your ambition, your fear, your troubles? How can these concepts be converted into an image?
I owe you nothing, for you never gave me
The chance to be discovered as I am.
You never even tried to see.

Instead, you began to conclude, prejudicially
That I am nothing but the other, the outsider I'd like to see the outsider with more characterization
That accepting me is corruption,
Is losing a battle, where you force upon us your normalcy Your use of battle gives a nice chance to explore an image
Never even letting yourself truly hear.

You lie about my wants, my dreams,
To your confidants, to make them hate me How do the confidants act out their hatred? I'd write that instead
Under false conditions; false pretenses.
Am I the monster you fear, or is it all a lie?
You never even cared to know.

I am not the end of your war. I like this line.

You cannot bend me to your will.

I am not your death.
I am not your dog. I think you can rewrite these lines as follows:

I am not your death,
nor your dog.

My death would solves nothing; the world is still wrong;
The systems you put in place falling apart at the seams;

And to treat me like such is a fool’s game.
You’re being played in a battle of hate.
To you, the past be no artifact, the present holds no future,
And I am sick of pretending that you are fit to judge the world as it is,
Not as it was. I like this contrast in verb tense and think it's an okay spot to end. The only thing that I think could support the ending is if the piece had more bones to it instead of prose

Best of luck.