Pigeons

[TrevorConway]

Thanks, Magpie. Great to get your feedback.

Trev

REVISION:

City Pigeons

Tucked into humanity’s corners,
they coo and squabble,
flutter their gossip, - good opening
flee in noisy flight with flashes
of purple and green iridescence. - theses two lines seem a bit cluttered, there's a lot of alliteration. Also you could drop 'purple and green' or 'iridescence' 

Ledges, lampposts, lines of trees
and lonely statues are worthy perches. - alliteration again stretching it
The waft of wings on the back of my neck
comes sudden and bold,
like a declaration. - not sure about the inclusion of this stanza, seems like filler

One meanders, retracing steps,
without any sense of destination.
In fact, its course is quite attentive,
puff-chested and knight-hooded,
around a nodding female.

Others gather as I open a bag,
with no intention of sharing my lunch.
The daring court conflict,
while the careless are unconcerned by cars
and add touches to the city’s scenery:

a flat, red mess stamped on road, - 'stamped'?? -
a blur of droppings like TV static, - I like this line, (reminds me of the cosmic microwave background)
feathers scattered in bursts of fury,
their dramas set amongst us. - good ending

Good edit, I think you've made it a wee bit too lengthy now with those extra stanzas, take out the 'filler' bits and keep the gems.

Cheers for the read

---

Thanks, Magpie. Great to get your feedback.

Trev

REVISION:

City Pigeons

Tucked into humanity’s corners,
they coo and squabble,
flutter their gossip, - good opening
flee in noisy flight with flashes
of purple and green iridescence. - theses two lines seem a bit cluttered, there's a lot of alliteration. Also you could drop 'purple and green' or 'iridescence' 

Ledges, lampposts, lines of trees
and lonely statues are worthy perches. - alliteration again stretching it
The waft of wings on the back of my neck
comes sudden and bold,
like a declaration. - not sure about the inclusion of this stanza, seems like filler

One meanders, retracing steps,
without any sense of destination.
In fact, its course is quite attentive,
puff-chested and knight-hooded,
around a nodding female.

Others gather as I open a bag,
with no intention of sharing my lunch.
The daring court conflict,
while the careless are unconcerned by cars
and add touches to the city’s scenery:

a flat, red mess stamped on road, - 'stamped'?? -
a blur of droppings like TV static, - I like this line, (reminds me of the cosmic microwave background)
feathers scattered in bursts of fury,
their dramas set amongst us. - good ending

Good edit, I think you've made it a wee bit too lengthy now with those extra stanzas, take out the 'filler' bits and keep the gems.

Cheers for the read

---

Hi Ved,

Your critique seems perfectly skilled to me, and I'm grateful for getting it. I'll consider all you said in my next edit. I actually posted a revised version with 5 stanzas in case you want to check that out above.

Thanks again,

T

Tucked into humanity’s corners,
they coo and squabble,
flutter their gossip,
flee in noisy flight with flashes
of purple and green iridescence.
 
One meanders, retracing his steps,
devoid of sense or destination.
In fact, he treads an attentive orbit,
puff-chested and knight-hooded,
around a slender female.
 
A flat, red mess stamped on road,
stray feathers plucked in fury,
a blur of droppings like TV static,
they set their dramas amongst us.

I lack the art of a skilled critic or the skill to say how this can be improved, but here are a few comments below:

Stanza 1: The opening line, if this is what it intends, is effective in making me feel a sadness, i.e., that these showpieces of Nature have been relegated, overlooked, displaced ...

Also, from the opening line, the poem neatly evokes both sympathy and admiration for its subject.

While (or because) wings and feathers flutter, I am not sure that "flutter their gossip" creates a believable of effective image or conveys a clear meaning.

Stanza 2: the opening lines grabs the reader's attention; it gives the sense an interesting story is at hand.
meander does help me see a real pigeon (is this not how they go about their business?), but seems a bit contradictory when matched with "retracing his steps": at first there seems to be a lack of purposiveness and yet purposiveness is immediately afterwards suggested. Then again, a lack of purposiveness in " devoid of sense or destination".

Stanza 3: the sadness hinted at in the opening stanza returns, albeit for another reason: Does the "flat, red mess stamped on road" spell the end of an ephemeral existence? And is it caused by the pigeons being in one of humanity's (dangerous) corners? 

If so, then being in humanity's corner is a sad thing for this showpiece of nature, and if this is what you are getting at and your point is made. On the whole, I think your theme/idea is a worthy one and I welcome its development.

One last thing: tucked away can give, I think, the feeling of being care for rather than that of being relegated, overlooked or endangered.

As I said, however, I lack the art of a skilled critic ...