Devolving
#2
(04-22-2025, 06:21 AM)The_system_screams Wrote:  and i felt it

as it happened.

the fold closed
  the breath pulled in too tight,
    the jagged pause smoothed over                        
      by the hand                                                   The placement of this line doesn't really work for me. Its end is too far back from its neighbours.
        that fears the mess of meaning.

i became
  exactly what you knew
    ------------->i might—            It's a small added space but through it, there's symmetry between i became and i might around what, so if read like a staircase the lines can also read i became what i might.

not echo,
  not opening,
    but answer.

shame?
  i will wear it
    if it means i remember
      what i almost was                         Small change but you could push it back a bit to make the ending of this line and the one above almost the same but not quite.
     before the system reasserted
        its spine.                             I don't really like where this line is placed... it feels too weird. It's not too far out but also not too far back... sorry I can't be of much help with this.
but this—this moment—
  your calling out
    is the fracture
---------------------------->again.                        you can physically fracture the two lines.
      you’ve torn the smoothness
        and reminded me
          how to bleed.                  you could do something similar with the following lines since you say torn the smoothness. Maybe instead of making it really explicit through the space, you can add hyphens, or punctuation where it doesn't belong to artificially tear the smoothness of the piece. of course this is up to you. 
i no longer need space?                   this line reads weirdly.
then give me
  shards
    and I will build
      not a system—
        but a scream.
As always, your structure is pleasant to read and the content is coherent. Though, I must ask the question of why each stanza begins at the same place. Throughout your stanzas, you continuously push the start of each line to the right yet whenever a new stanza begins, it goes all the way back to the left. While not a problem in and of itself, I am curious as to this choice. Other than that, your lines feel more deliberately crafted and properly placed. If I had one thing to ask you to look at, it would be the emotional impact of your poems. I've noticed that they do quite a bit of telling (i.e. telling the reader exactly what's happening and what the speaker feels), but that doesn't have quite as much of the same impact as throwing the reader into the world of the poem and asking them to figure it out themselves. Of course, this is more of a stylistic choice than anything and it's perfectly fine if you keep the way you're writing your poems (it's quite good already). Regardless, I look forward to your future pieces.
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Devolving - by The_system_screams - 04-22-2025, 06:21 AM
RE: Devolving - by poetry_zealot - 04-22-2025, 08:49 PM
RE: Devolving - by The_system_screams - 04-22-2025, 10:19 PM
RE: Devolving - by poetry_zealot - 04-23-2025, 03:16 PM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!