Accented in Blue

[Pebbel~Lady]

Hello pebble-
I removed most of the repetition, but didn't change a word.
Less would definitely be more with this one.

Accented in blue 

Blue screen
phone on
again
one more
scroll 
video 
game 
one more

foggy existence
nails digging in
to skin
look at time
again
one more night
again blue
again

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As much as i understand cutting the poem down as it is quite long, the repetition is the point. Its supposed to represent the spiral that one feels when they cant get themselves to do something and as much as you scold and yell at yourself to do it, you just cant. cutting the poem down as much as that removes the meaning, and the feeling. Thank you for reading my poem and giving me feedback, but the revision doesn't feel as emotional to me if that makes sense(?, but i do agree that it is quite long and that i could cut it back some.

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For this to be memorable as a poem, you can use the old devices that uncannily make things affectively novel.

You have symbols-images, Blue, Time, Night, I. You have the theme of addiction and repetition in a night and near liminal space that includes a pressing yet liminal social context.

What can you do?
You can go into the brain fog, find the blue and the night and the friends and the angst there in that realm, and invent imagery and novel connections and musicality and bewitching turns of phrase.

I scold myself again I look at that time and see its night.

I scold myself and look at time and see night.

That line I manipulated is kinda jarring, kinda silly, kinda forced-sounding, yet, with a mood that supports it, given what you do with the lines around it, would be a memorable and potent line.

Things like that.

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ooooh okay, so it'd be better if i tried to dig more into the imagery that i do have? if i were to revise this poem I should try to emphasize and expand on the symbols. I think i get what you are saying, Thank you so much!