Tea Party
#2
Hello, it's been a while since I did a critque. I might be a bit rusty, but here I go: 

(04-27-2025, 02:19 AM)Ash Wrote:  A soirée where revelation stirs restless, -I am not the best to judge rhyming, but to me, the rhyming isn't the strongest in this poem. I find it unnecessary for what the poem is about.
An invitation that can cure the listless. -I actually think this would make a better first line rewritten as something like: "An inivitiation can cure the listess," but that might mess up the meter? By making this the first line, you could also play around with it being an invitiation to the reader, depending on how much you want to reword it. 
Would you like some cake while the black tea steeps?
Here I enjoy the party where scrutiny seeps.

The tea is now ready to be served hot, -The rhyme of "hot" and "teapot" is the best rhyme in the poem, IMO. 
We wait until the last dreg leaves the teapot. 
Now this familiar taste may enter my heart, -How does a heart taste? It could be an interesting metaphor/image to play around with. However, it needs to be expanded upon. What if the tea party takes place entirely in someone's heart or the heart is one of the people attending it, along with other body parts? That might sound insane, but could be interesting.
Exceedingly smooth but egregiously tart.

As the words of our conversation mix with gentle scour,
We move towards the end of the calling hour. 
Before I leave I fill the cups with the last bit of tea, 
For the tea at the bottom is the blackest it can be. -I really like the idea of ending on the image of the tea at the bottom being the blackest. However, I wish you could build to it a bit more, so the ending has more punch. 
Overall, I would suggest thinking about rewriting this without rhyming and playing around with the image of the heart and its importance to the meaning of the poem. 

Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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Messages In This Thread
Tea Party - by Ash - 04-27-2025, 02:19 AM
RE: Tea Party - by Richard - 05-09-2025, 11:07 AM
RE: Tea Party - by meadzbabyy - 05-16-2025, 04:26 PM



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