05-14-2025, 09:23 AM
And Semele means moon?
Give me about 30 minutes, I'll destroy your poem for you.
Semele is not the moon, ever mind.
I'm here to critique. I was thinking Selene.
I think.
Here comes the critique.
Tepid water won’t
Drown the arrow’s fire any longer
This makes sense astrologically, but still, don't discount you reader. Make them work for it.
And pay attention not to simply throw correspondences together.
Astrology is working with correspondences. Poetry is working with allusions.
Never ending depths, cave systems
Traps
Nice Ear
Pulled the bleat out of the ram’s throat
Sound replaced with the threat
Of death’s bloat
Clever use of bloat.
Would work in a less dense context. Or, rather, more dense context.
Shooting centaurs and unwavering horns
Set the wet stage ablaze
Build your first house of ashes
You drifted far too long
Under Neptune’s weight - liquid maze
Of past urges, dreams and gashes
So you are working the astrology in.
You are being lazy with the verse and the surrounding images.
I say layer it a bit more. Thread in stuff with the references in a natural way. Make the reader feel like they are reading something simple: with the astrological stuff under the surface.
You can do what you want.
That's how Yeats pulled off this subject matter.
Not Finished yet. I'm still reading.
Well, the free verse is ok.
Nothing fancy.
Now someone is asking me to do something.
I'll say what I can then come back.
Give me about 30 minutes, I'll destroy your poem for you.
Semele is not the moon, ever mind.
I'm here to critique. I was thinking Selene.
I think.
Here comes the critique.
Tepid water won’t
Drown the arrow’s fire any longer
This makes sense astrologically, but still, don't discount you reader. Make them work for it.
And pay attention not to simply throw correspondences together.
Astrology is working with correspondences. Poetry is working with allusions.
Never ending depths, cave systems
Traps
Nice Ear
Pulled the bleat out of the ram’s throat
Sound replaced with the threat
Of death’s bloat
Clever use of bloat.
Would work in a less dense context. Or, rather, more dense context.
Shooting centaurs and unwavering horns
Set the wet stage ablaze
Build your first house of ashes
You drifted far too long
Under Neptune’s weight - liquid maze
Of past urges, dreams and gashes
So you are working the astrology in.
You are being lazy with the verse and the surrounding images.
I say layer it a bit more. Thread in stuff with the references in a natural way. Make the reader feel like they are reading something simple: with the astrological stuff under the surface.
You can do what you want.
That's how Yeats pulled off this subject matter.
Not Finished yet. I'm still reading.
Well, the free verse is ok.
Nothing fancy.
Now someone is asking me to do something.
I'll say what I can then come back.