Wonderland

[Ryan Geoffrey Hayward]

"i once built my own
world: i colored the canvas
with the scent of sweet air
chasing winter;"

I love this verse, Winter is cold in our hearts but you contradict with what you wish for. Spring, warmer climate.




i painted roads with
tombstones, masquerading
as bricks, tastelessly gossiping
with an empty sky;

A bit cliche until the two last lines that are really good.


i fostered myths using
fingernails, endlessly
grown and discarded in
an ephemeral greenhouse;

The green mouse mention symbolling fragility is a great way to end this verse.


i loved so much, hate gained
form, gently caressing the wind
in a sea of never-ending
apple trees;

Again I love the contrast here is how ugly you feel with the never-ending and and wishing for true beauty with the apple trees, line.



i created a world
with toothpicks,
just to call it
Wonderland.

You ended the poem with so much simplicity and the toothpicks line does not gel. I would have ended it with the last verse.

Great poem, though that doesn't imo need much revision.

Wonderland to end is good though,indicating you wish were young again and to start over.