My Father

[dukealien]

As you with sleeping breathes,  Curious mix of grammar here, which carries through the poem
whizzing and  so weak,  "whizzing" is unexpected - sense of speed, or flying but mainly a fast buzzing sound
I'll come and squeeze your hands,  "squeeze" is nice match with "whizzing," but note "I'll come" for later
and imagine so restlessly,  "imagine so" by itself suggests a conclusion, "restlessly" suggests wanting it to be over
I'll then inhale your last  a terrifying line
inhales from your chest,  perhaps "exhales" or "exhalation" since the death rattle is final
and then all of a sudden, "all of a sudden" is cliche, perhaps "with suddenness" or better - be original
You & this phantom will be free.  great last line slightly marred by the ampersand, but leaves reader with the question -
is the speaker the phantom (if only in his own mind) or the father's actual departing spirit?

(Might go a little deeper than Basic here - had the experience of watching over sleeping father after cancer surgery.)

In basic critique, don't take any of the above (or below) too seriously.  However...

I tend to read  the first line as "breaths" (plural of breath) - the subject "you" is singular, so if it's a verb, "breathe," if noun, "breaths" (plural).  Which is only to say, my grammar hobgoblin was triggered.  Pace, goblin, the ambiguity is fine.

"I'll come" opens up the possibility that the author is thinking about what he *will* do (or the vampire-like phantom, by a different interpretation, will).

The impact of this poem, as a whole, depends on how the reader regards the speaker.  If it's a son, there's a little nervous disquiet:  this isn't property being inherited, it's picking up an escaping life on which he has a claim (but which also has a claim on him).  If the phantom is something like a vampire, the drama is in a different key.  And, unlike the real son, a little comfort for being imaginary.

The ambiguities here are striking.  Not sure it would be improved by removing them, or the odd verb/noun forms.  If the author is mourning, or preparing to mourn, a certain ungrammatical emotion is appropriate.  If the phantom is a demon - well, they don't have English classes down there.

A rough read, but worth it.