09-09-2025, 03:37 AM
Hello to everyone out there.
I'm new here (joined today), and today, I wrote my first poem in about 9 years, but the first one that I want criticized since I took creative writing in high school 20 years ago. I want to be upfront that this is supposed to be dark, so if it's not your cup of tea, no worries.
I am looking for all types of feedback (positive, negative, structure which I know gets weird, etc) as it's going to be a part of my personal collection (I'm feeling a writing streak coming on). I went on a writing spree, and I enjoy what I have put out between this, and another one I am editing (tomorrow's post per the rules I read), but would love to improve it.
One final note, no, I am not suicidal, but I am planning on writing a poem when I was at one point in my life.
Cheers,
Emperor Penguin
--------------------
A Bridge of Words
I'm a soul fractured and lost in time and space,
But whenever I'm around you, I feel my heart race.
I'm lost in thought, full of shock and awe,
But the depression continues to make me fall.
The more we talk, the more you steal my heart,
But deep down inside, depression’s tearing me apart.
I'm such a wreck, a man who doesn't deserve you,
And these thoughts are some of the reasons why I'm still blue.
Hundreds of thoughts per minute,
At least a few times, your smiling face is in it.
To make you mine is my objective,
But depression has a different directive.
So much to unpack, so much to unravel,
Every time I get back up, I slip on the gravel.
But your welcoming smile is a ray of hope,
It's my motivation to try not to mope.
I'm head over heels,
Yes, that's how I feel,
But the more that we talk,
The more I'm afraid I'll just balk.
And I'm just falling apart,
a mess with no direction.
I need to listen to my heart,
Because I want to show you my affection.
I don't need to be fixed
Just to keep me focused,
To keep me motivated,
And keep my heart composed.
I would do anything for you,Â
Anything to keep you happy,
Because seeing your smile,
It keeps me from feeling sappy.
I've been bullied and lied to,
So it's difficult to trust.
But to lose you without trying,
Then my life would be a bust.
I can't put it in speech,
But I can put it in poem,
Where every word is a bridge I cross,
That keeps my heart from turning to stone.
I'm new here (joined today), and today, I wrote my first poem in about 9 years, but the first one that I want criticized since I took creative writing in high school 20 years ago. I want to be upfront that this is supposed to be dark, so if it's not your cup of tea, no worries.
I am looking for all types of feedback (positive, negative, structure which I know gets weird, etc) as it's going to be a part of my personal collection (I'm feeling a writing streak coming on). I went on a writing spree, and I enjoy what I have put out between this, and another one I am editing (tomorrow's post per the rules I read), but would love to improve it.
One final note, no, I am not suicidal, but I am planning on writing a poem when I was at one point in my life.
Cheers,
Emperor Penguin
--------------------
A Bridge of Words
I'm a soul fractured and lost in time and space,
But whenever I'm around you, I feel my heart race.
I'm lost in thought, full of shock and awe,
But the depression continues to make me fall.
The more we talk, the more you steal my heart,
But deep down inside, depression’s tearing me apart.
I'm such a wreck, a man who doesn't deserve you,
And these thoughts are some of the reasons why I'm still blue.
Hundreds of thoughts per minute,
At least a few times, your smiling face is in it.
To make you mine is my objective,
But depression has a different directive.
So much to unpack, so much to unravel,
Every time I get back up, I slip on the gravel.
But your welcoming smile is a ray of hope,
It's my motivation to try not to mope.
I'm head over heels,
Yes, that's how I feel,
But the more that we talk,
The more I'm afraid I'll just balk.
And I'm just falling apart,
a mess with no direction.
I need to listen to my heart,
Because I want to show you my affection.
I don't need to be fixed
Just to keep me focused,
To keep me motivated,
And keep my heart composed.
I would do anything for you,Â
Anything to keep you happy,
Because seeing your smile,
It keeps me from feeling sappy.
I've been bullied and lied to,
So it's difficult to trust.
But to lose you without trying,
Then my life would be a bust.
I can't put it in speech,
But I can put it in poem,
Where every word is a bridge I cross,
That keeps my heart from turning to stone.