09-09-2025, 05:25 AM
There was another someone named Penguin over a decade ago. He gave up before he became an Emperor.
I'm a soul fractured and lost in time and space,
But whenever I'm around you, I feel my heart race.
I'm lost in thought, full of shock and awe,
But the depression continues to make me fall.
First off, the form is showing signs of being dictated by rhyme with secondary content. With the accompanying twist of the content dictating the poem.
One quick remedy to this is skipping each line that ends in the second half of the rhyme and figuring if the poem makes sense without it. Then if any line would make sense without any other line.
The more we talk, the more you steal my heart,
But deep down inside, depression’s tearing me apart.
I'm such a wreck, a man who doesn't deserve you,
And these thoughts are some of the reasons why I'm still blue.
And considering the critique above, you can keep what makes sense, and out of what you have consider a more subtle and richer figurative language, then arrange the words so as to find appropriate rhymes and other effects.
Hundreds of thoughts per minute,
At least a few times, your smiling face is in it.
To make you mine is my objective,
But depression has a different directive.
So much to unpack, so much to unravel,
Every time I get back up, I slip on the gravel.
But your welcoming smile is a ray of hope,
It's my motivation to try not to mope.
I'm head over heels,
Yes, that's how I feel,
But the more that we talk,
The more I'm afraid I'll just balk.
And I'm just falling apart,
a mess with no direction.
I need to listen to my heart,
Because I want to show you my affection.
I don't need to be fixed
Just to keep me focused,
To keep me motivated,
And keep my heart composed.
I would do anything for you,
Anything to keep you happy,
Because seeing your smile,
It keeps me from feeling sappy.
I've been bullied and lied to,
So it's difficult to trust.
But to lose you without trying,
Then my life would be a bust.
I can't put it in speech,
But I can put it in poem,
Where every word is a bridge I cross,
That keeps my heart from turning to stone.
I'm a soul fractured and lost in time and space,
But whenever I'm around you, I feel my heart race.
I'm lost in thought, full of shock and awe,
But the depression continues to make me fall.
First off, the form is showing signs of being dictated by rhyme with secondary content. With the accompanying twist of the content dictating the poem.
One quick remedy to this is skipping each line that ends in the second half of the rhyme and figuring if the poem makes sense without it. Then if any line would make sense without any other line.
The more we talk, the more you steal my heart,
But deep down inside, depression’s tearing me apart.
I'm such a wreck, a man who doesn't deserve you,
And these thoughts are some of the reasons why I'm still blue.
And considering the critique above, you can keep what makes sense, and out of what you have consider a more subtle and richer figurative language, then arrange the words so as to find appropriate rhymes and other effects.
Hundreds of thoughts per minute,
At least a few times, your smiling face is in it.
To make you mine is my objective,
But depression has a different directive.
So much to unpack, so much to unravel,
Every time I get back up, I slip on the gravel.
But your welcoming smile is a ray of hope,
It's my motivation to try not to mope.
I'm head over heels,
Yes, that's how I feel,
But the more that we talk,
The more I'm afraid I'll just balk.
And I'm just falling apart,
a mess with no direction.
I need to listen to my heart,
Because I want to show you my affection.
I don't need to be fixed
Just to keep me focused,
To keep me motivated,
And keep my heart composed.
I would do anything for you,
Anything to keep you happy,
Because seeing your smile,
It keeps me from feeling sappy.
I've been bullied and lied to,
So it's difficult to trust.
But to lose you without trying,
Then my life would be a bust.
I can't put it in speech,
But I can put it in poem,
Where every word is a bridge I cross,
That keeps my heart from turning to stone.