09-09-2025, 07:37 PM
There’s real emotional openness here, and you’re clearly trying to speak sincerely. That said, I agree with Rowens about the rhyme. It tends to steer you toward more predictable lines, and that can undercut the honesty you're aiming for. You might try dropping rhyme altogether and focusing on more grounded images and language.
Structurally, it also feels like the poem starts with longer, denser stanzas before easing into a more relaxed voice and rhythm. That shift can be natural, but here it highlights the transition from initial intensity into something more comfortable. It's not a flaw, but it shows how the poem evolved as you wrote it. You might look at whether those first two stanzas match the tone and form of the rest.
Overall, it’s admirably heartfelt, but still finding its unique voice.
Structurally, it also feels like the poem starts with longer, denser stanzas before easing into a more relaxed voice and rhythm. That shift can be natural, but here it highlights the transition from initial intensity into something more comfortable. It's not a flaw, but it shows how the poem evolved as you wrote it. You might look at whether those first two stanzas match the tone and form of the rest.
Overall, it’s admirably heartfelt, but still finding its unique voice.