09-20-2025, 08:02 PM
Deor Ana Log,
I think you’re trying to say something genuinely engaging here but there are few immediate problems which will cause you problems.
The first is the layout (including the space-free formatting of the title). I’ve been reading poems for decades and I’ve never seen one start with a comma on each line. Also using centre justifying makes the poem look amateur. Format it more traditionally and your reader won’t begin with low expectations.
The first line is very strong. It’s unusual and clever.
The second line is also pretty good. You are talking about diving? The glass of your mask?
The third line, you begin to talk too abstractly. Why no food?
And then comes the fourth line:
“The crook of necks glaring back, I can’t flee”
Necks can’t glare back. Eyes can. Necks can be crooked but they don’t have eyes.
These things are important if you want to be understood. By this point, many readers may already disengage and it’s a shame because you have some genuinely poetic moments: “Breath creeps quick”, “Tear silent sacrifices slowly apart” and “trapped in tactile tempo” standout. But you should write with a little more precision.
A line like
“Death tugs me like same old mold”
Ruins what you’re attempting. It’s either missing a word or you mistyped “some”.
“Death tugs me like some old mold”
But even there, do molds tug?
There’s a strong poetic impulse here. But right now, it’s buried under distracting choices and imprecise language. I’d encourage you to rework this with a focus on clarity, logic, and conventional formatting. The core voice is worth hearing but only if the poem earns that attention.
I think you’re trying to say something genuinely engaging here but there are few immediate problems which will cause you problems.
The first is the layout (including the space-free formatting of the title). I’ve been reading poems for decades and I’ve never seen one start with a comma on each line. Also using centre justifying makes the poem look amateur. Format it more traditionally and your reader won’t begin with low expectations.
The first line is very strong. It’s unusual and clever.
The second line is also pretty good. You are talking about diving? The glass of your mask?
The third line, you begin to talk too abstractly. Why no food?
And then comes the fourth line:
“The crook of necks glaring back, I can’t flee”
Necks can’t glare back. Eyes can. Necks can be crooked but they don’t have eyes.
These things are important if you want to be understood. By this point, many readers may already disengage and it’s a shame because you have some genuinely poetic moments: “Breath creeps quick”, “Tear silent sacrifices slowly apart” and “trapped in tactile tempo” standout. But you should write with a little more precision.
A line like
“Death tugs me like same old mold”
Ruins what you’re attempting. It’s either missing a word or you mistyped “some”.
“Death tugs me like some old mold”
But even there, do molds tug?
There’s a strong poetic impulse here. But right now, it’s buried under distracting choices and imprecise language. I’d encourage you to rework this with a focus on clarity, logic, and conventional formatting. The core voice is worth hearing but only if the poem earns that attention.