09-21-2025, 07:47 PM
Thanks for the reply. The edits you made have improved it ("pupils" is much better) but I still think your first big obstacle is the format.
Commas inherently break the flow of language. That's their job. But to place them before the line doesn't do anything as there's no flow to break (and the commas at the end of the line are doing that, so you are essentially using two commas for most lines). I understand you want to look unconventional but that level of experimentation really needs to be earned without it looking like you don't know what you're doing. Jorie Graham might be able to get away with it but even there it would be debatable.
Left justifying this, removing the commas, and adding a little spacing and more solid punctuation already improves this piece considerably.
You've written "piece" in the last line. Is that deliberate or do you mean "peace"?
I unlock my empty oxygen for an off beat, a single time,
Air bubbles, encasing glass. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
No one knows I'm drowning with no strength to survive.
The crook of necks glaring back, I can’t breathe,
Our future is futile soil I can’t seem to seed.
Breath creeps quick, slow, the same speed—
So murky wet waves have a faint glow,
Air bubbles with no open bank of arms,
Tear silent sacrifices slowly apart,
My blood beats, trapped in tactile tempo,
Why can warm people feel so alone?,
Death hugs my struggling mold,
I won’t grow up, won’t grow old,
And they don’t even see my struggle,
The pupils I perceive peering from my closed bowl,
The heroes and villains I wanted to be,
My fatal fortune from far above,
Their distance has blinded me, it’s all I see,
Thus my last breath is laced with lacking love, not relief.
And. I. Die. With. A. Dormant. Piece.
Commas inherently break the flow of language. That's their job. But to place them before the line doesn't do anything as there's no flow to break (and the commas at the end of the line are doing that, so you are essentially using two commas for most lines). I understand you want to look unconventional but that level of experimentation really needs to be earned without it looking like you don't know what you're doing. Jorie Graham might be able to get away with it but even there it would be debatable.
Left justifying this, removing the commas, and adding a little spacing and more solid punctuation already improves this piece considerably.
You've written "piece" in the last line. Is that deliberate or do you mean "peace"?
I unlock my empty oxygen for an off beat, a single time,
Air bubbles, encasing glass. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
No one knows I'm drowning with no strength to survive.
The crook of necks glaring back, I can’t breathe,
Our future is futile soil I can’t seem to seed.
Breath creeps quick, slow, the same speed—
So murky wet waves have a faint glow,
Air bubbles with no open bank of arms,
Tear silent sacrifices slowly apart,
My blood beats, trapped in tactile tempo,
Why can warm people feel so alone?,
Death hugs my struggling mold,
I won’t grow up, won’t grow old,
And they don’t even see my struggle,
The pupils I perceive peering from my closed bowl,
The heroes and villains I wanted to be,
My fatal fortune from far above,
Their distance has blinded me, it’s all I see,
Thus my last breath is laced with lacking love, not relief.
And. I. Die. With. A. Dormant. Piece.