09-27-2025, 03:56 AM
Are you reading aloud when you write? As I already said - the original does not present a rhythmic unity. The quantity of rhyme you deploy creates an obligation to present a rhythmic unity. The rhyming sets up an expectation - and then the poem fails to deliver it. A poem by definition creates a unity of form and meaning. If one is going to use rhyme - then one needs to respect the formal requirements and obligations which it presents. In this case, it occurs throughout the piece, not as an accent or an interlude or a point of attention - but as a structural element. As such it carries the obligation to be harmonious and beautiful. But I don't think you are reading aloud when you write, Are you? I don't know what your poem is 'about' - any more than I know what my poems are 'about' - that is none of my concern. I make words that feel nice to speak at the time.