10-02-2025, 10:36 AM
-i think if you moved the first stanza to somewhere around the end it would flow better. it feels like you're kind of jumping the gun, if that makes sense? but that's mostly just going off of vibes
-i really like the lines "someones craving" and "my body done leasing", i think you can do more with these if you wanted, though they already work as is.
-there's a couple of places where i feel like the shifts between lines might be improved. like, "i urge to change it, artifically, / superficially," could be "i urge to change it, / artifically, superficially," and "while i stay put / losing my chances" could be one line.
-i find it interesting how rivers and hills actually don't lose value over time, but on my first read I just kind of glossed over it. i suppose that's parallel to the real world- insist the body depreciates in value and you'll shift the rest of your worldview to account for it. i really like that part.
-but... why "you" in that st.?
-overall very nice read
-i really like the lines "someones craving" and "my body done leasing", i think you can do more with these if you wanted, though they already work as is.
-there's a couple of places where i feel like the shifts between lines might be improved. like, "i urge to change it, artifically, / superficially," could be "i urge to change it, / artifically, superficially," and "while i stay put / losing my chances" could be one line.
-i find it interesting how rivers and hills actually don't lose value over time, but on my first read I just kind of glossed over it. i suppose that's parallel to the real world- insist the body depreciates in value and you'll shift the rest of your worldview to account for it. i really like that part.
-but... why "you" in that st.?
-overall very nice read