Low self esteem

[Bitnee]

Hello all. Here is another first draft of an idea for a poem. I wrote this quickly as it came to my mind just to get it down. I am aware it needs more work and probably better structured maybe shortened. I welcome advice!

I lost my self esteem today
Well who am I kidding?
You can’t lose what you never had 
But trust me I’ve been searching
For ways to make me feel less sad

I was the quiet kid in school
Too scared to look anyone in the eye
But that was easy to do 
Way too damn easy
Cause nobody bothered to look at me either
Or ever notice me cry

If I could go back in time 
Then maybe I’d try
To hide my anxiety
Lock it deep down inside

So I could pretend to be normal
A person others would want to notice
Instead of hiding and wanting to die 

I lost my self esteem today 
And inside my mind I was back in time
That scared weird kid
Fear flooding through my veins
And screaming inside my mind

I wish that I had the guts back then
To admit to someone that I needed help
I didn’t think anyone would listen
Because the devil would laugh at me
Tauntingly calling me worthless everyday
So I believed what he said 

If I knew then what I know now
I would have been honest
I felt so alone and would hurt myself
And nobody ever even noticed
So i guess I got good at being invisible
Even to people that knew me

As time went on I sought help for myself
I still have my bad days of low self esteem 
But I try to comfort my inner child
To let them know they were never worthless 
And always deserved love
After all don’t we all?

Second draft 

I lost my self esteem today-
I check under the bed to see if it fell in the pile of dust
Sweeping the unkept mess it’s not under there
I rummage through the garbage thinking I might have thrown it away
No sign of it anywhere it’s hidden away

 I was a quiet kid in school
The one who would sit in the back
Distracting myself by drawing
Hearing the others laughing
Never once was there mention of my name

I learned to stare at my desk
too scared to look anyone in the eye
Nobody bothered to look back at me anyway
Which made it easier to hide my tearful cries

If I could go back in time I’d shove my anxiety into a locker throw away the key
So I could pretend I did belong in these halls
Plastering on a smile on my face for others to see
Maybe they would smile back at me with a wave

Some days I find myself back in that classroom
Wanting to hide and pretend that I’m invisible
Hearing that taunting voice in my mind again telling me I’m worthless
Feeling my tiny heart break like punching a mirror and seeing myself in distorted shards
While bleeding from my hands 

I wish I had the courage to tell someone back then
That the devil stalks my mind making sure that
I never forget his repeated words that I am worthless
That I believed every day

If I had known what I know now
I would have reached out for help
With shaky bleeding hands begging to be held
Instead I sunk further into my own hell
Becoming invisible even to my loved ones

Now I am kinder to my inner child
So tiny and frail
I engulf her with warm hugs and blankets
Telling her she was never worthless
She was perfect and waiting to be seen and loved
After all isn’t everyone?