Yesterday, 01:18 AM
Thank you, and I am over the moon with you. I did want to fake you out, I did want you to think of the National Guard putting down a protest, and I did want you to wonder about Helios/helicopters, and I did want you to come to the conclusion that the story promised did not fit. I will need to think about what you said about intellect and mysticism. I wanted to convey more terror and mysticism in the sense of being outside your body, fragmented, merging past and present.
If it matters, here are the roots: I was driving on my way to ———. I saw the National Guard out, with their canvas trucks. I thought of my past, and people being killed, and the impermanence of humanity via its infrastructure. But then of course that was not happening, the National Guard was simply out for training exercises, and I drove the rest of the way so carefully, as if I were a new driver.
Another question, possibly more fitting for discussion than a critique dialog: I have viewed the line break as a punctuational sledgehammer, acting itself as a pause or break (in the reading of the poem, if not always the speech of it). So I feel that adding a comma at the end of the line or a period or any other punctuation is really yanking on the red chord to halt.
So as you’ve noticed I don’t like to use commas unless they are interior to the line, for me the line breaks are reminder enough to pause in parsing. Does this belief need to be re-examined? Is it causing interruption to the reader? (I’m being genuine here - Lord knows I’d like to shake Emily Dickinson with her emdashes and endashes and slants and dashes and be like “girl, what do you meannnn????”)
Also, parenthesis and alternatives/negations. Yes, I was trying my hand at apophatism. I like the concept’s application in poetry. Seems like theology and God also snuck in. I’m less of a fan of apophatic theology. And of God.
Thank you, I will think more on this.
If it matters, here are the roots: I was driving on my way to ———. I saw the National Guard out, with their canvas trucks. I thought of my past, and people being killed, and the impermanence of humanity via its infrastructure. But then of course that was not happening, the National Guard was simply out for training exercises, and I drove the rest of the way so carefully, as if I were a new driver.
Another question, possibly more fitting for discussion than a critique dialog: I have viewed the line break as a punctuational sledgehammer, acting itself as a pause or break (in the reading of the poem, if not always the speech of it). So I feel that adding a comma at the end of the line or a period or any other punctuation is really yanking on the red chord to halt.
So as you’ve noticed I don’t like to use commas unless they are interior to the line, for me the line breaks are reminder enough to pause in parsing. Does this belief need to be re-examined? Is it causing interruption to the reader? (I’m being genuine here - Lord knows I’d like to shake Emily Dickinson with her emdashes and endashes and slants and dashes and be like “girl, what do you meannnn????”)
Also, parenthesis and alternatives/negations. Yes, I was trying my hand at apophatism. I like the concept’s application in poetry. Seems like theology and God also snuck in. I’m less of a fan of apophatic theology. And of God.
Thank you, I will think more on this.