Today, 06:06 AM
(This post was last modified: Today, 06:06 AM by RiverNotch.)
First line is technically not iambic; missing a syllable either in the first or the second foot, I think.
"There" in third line unnecessary, I think.
There's two turns, the one between the two stanzas and the one at the very end, and I find the second turn somewhat dissatisfying. It's maybe one too many recollections, or "your head reminds" is too "written-for-the-meter"---or maybe the whole line is written for the meter, I'm not really sure how "she died" is that intentional, since it doesn't feel like it connects with any of the earlier lines. Would have it be something completely different, or just pruned entirely.
"There" in third line unnecessary, I think.
There's two turns, the one between the two stanzas and the one at the very end, and I find the second turn somewhat dissatisfying. It's maybe one too many recollections, or "your head reminds" is too "written-for-the-meter"---or maybe the whole line is written for the meter, I'm not really sure how "she died" is that intentional, since it doesn't feel like it connects with any of the earlier lines. Would have it be something completely different, or just pruned entirely.