The Conversation

[wasellajam]

Hi, welcome to the Pen! It's clear you've put effort into this, particularly the strong images and effective breaks. I've put some notes on my read below for you to consider.

Hello - I am new to the group and would welcome feedback. This is a poem that I have already drafted a number of times from the original. If its helpful I can post the original. Thank you for taking time to read. 

Flatness and fatigue, a vacancy where you sat. A strong opener, the narrator is exhausted.
To be blunt, I don’t want this. I would not miss this line if it was cut.
Leftovers hidden under overcooked greens Another strong line.
harder to swallow when cold.
Here I am plucking on invisible strings Possibly "I pluck on..."
because we are ever connected.
Strains on the tiny thread.
I wish you were here, not just in my head. I'd love to see these two lines somehow connected.
 
Kaleidoscope shows that open all hours I can't reconcile this line.
a front row seat that’s ticketless. Clear and nicely said, I think you could comma and lose "I saved you a place."
I saved you a place; just encase you came. in case?
OK. Black tape rolling. Recording?
Are you ignoring me?
Do you remember our chat? Meh on these two questions.
I was that woman, the floppy straw hat. I don't get this reference.
 
Miles upon miles, stretched
grey sand, you were never a fan.
It’s so bloody cold. Incandescent, my heart.
Pools of salt water, old memories cleaned. These for lines are not as successful for me, the images don't mesh and L4 cliche on cliche.
She was sooo beautiful and so were you. This line adds to the whole picture.
Grit and the silt and the sound of the sea
I am just asking now, let’s let things be. I feel like you were leading me somewhere with the line above but this line didn't take me there.

So it's mostly the last strophe that I have a problem with. I've put a lot of comments in for the Novice workshop but I hope a few help. Thanks for posting this, I hope you enjoy the site.