The Conversation

[alonso ramoran]

Bushberry18,

I've been reading some Richard Siken recently. There are a few lines in your piece that remind me of his cadence. Notably: S1L2, L7-L8; S2L2, L4; S3L3. What does it, I think, is the absurdity of feeling that those lines capture in a matter-of-fact way. More comments below.

Hello - I am new to the group and would welcome feedback. This is a poem that I have already drafted a number of times from the original. If its helpful I can post the original. Thank you for taking time to read. 

Flatness and fatigue, a vacancy where you sat. Strong opening
To be blunt, I don’t want this. The speaker is describing a vacancy; something is missing. It's hard to imagine that many would feel settled in that feeling, which is to say that this line can be safely omitted
Leftovers hidden under overcooked greens Good image
harder to swallow when cold. and a good follow up observation
Here I am plucking on invisible strings
because we are ever connected.
Strains on the tiny thread.
I wish you were here, not just in my head. I think for the entirety of the poem the speaker hinders the effect of each stanza by attempting to rhyme the last 2 lines. It comes off very forced, which is unfortunate because a lot of the preceding lines do not sound forced.
 
Kaleidoscope shows that open all hours the meaning of this line is lost on me
a front row seat that’s ticketless. 
I saved you a place; just encase you came. "in case", no semi colon needed. The clauses are dependent.
OK. Black tape rolling.
Are you ignoring me? So far I understand that the speaker was waiting for a date that never showed up, in some sort of theater. Change of scenery from the first stanza.
Do you remember our chat?
I was that woman, the floppy straw hat.
 
Miles upon miles, stretched kind of a weak line break here for an awkwardly phrased sentence. The syntax appears inverted, resulting in a warped image of sand stretching. Obviously, the speaker was trying to convey a distance of sand. I think it would be more clearly written as: Grey sand stretched for miles upon miles.
grey sand, you were never a fan. Never a fan of the show that they missed, I'm presuming. I'm noting a third change of scenery, the transitioning is smooth enough that I'm able to follow the thread that runs between each scene. Also, this line is the perfect opportunity to showcase where a semicolon should actually go---replacing the comma.
It’s so bloody cold. Incandescent, my heart.
Pools of salt water, old memories cleaned.
She was sooo beautiful and so were you. I like the quirkiness of the elongated so. Who "she" is, I'm imagining a performer from the show: actress, musician, whathaveyou
Grit and the silt and the sound of the sea
I am just asking now, let’s let things be. I don't know what question was posed by the speaker. I would reconsider the comma. I'm leaning towards cutting this line and infusing its sentiment in an image elsewhere in the poem.

Thank you for sharing!